Memoirs of Misery : Reading Through Past Relationship Correspondence

Perhaps one of the greatest blessings or curses with social media, and all this electronic messaging stuff we do, is that thanks to most people's awkwardness and insistence on texting/messaging instead of talking, we no longer have to rely on hearsay or selective memories to remind us of past mistakes, or to prove our case in an argument which others have been made a part of. No, now we can call up that conversation, screenshot that S.O.B., and show the people what they need to see. It keeps us honest, and that's a good thing. But the downside to it is that going back and reading through messages sometimes invokes those old feelings you felt again, and I'm not talking about "good" feelings necessarily. Sometimes that anger is reawakened, or that heartbreak, or that mortifying disappointment.But you know what? Suck it up. Be thankful you ARE reminded of those missteps, so you won't make them again, or so you won't second-guess yourself.

I'm still adjusting to this new relationship thing where for once I am the pampered one, where MY emotional and physical needs are met equally, and where I'm NOT having to deal with someone else's untreated mental health issues. I'm not used to it, still, and that bothers me. It bothers me that I let my ex-wife and the rebound girlfriend damage me so badly that I can't relax, and breathe, and enjoy a nontoxic relationship with someone I don't have to worry about doing further damage, or cheating on me, or using me. I'm trying, and it's good that I can see this is a problem, because that means I can fix it. But it's taking me a little longer than I'd like to get out of "defense mode".

Something reminded me of a conversation from last fall, when I was more or less expected to do "all the fixing" of things (while at the same time meticulously NOT "blaming" the other party for any of her faults, somehow), and I referred to that exchange from my Facebook Messenger to get some hindsight perspective on that nonsense. I was floored to see just how idiotic I was for trying so hard to keep extending myself out of the middle-ground of compromise into outright full-on sacrifice. And for what? Someone with an unexpungeable criminal history and willfully-neglected psychological problems who ultimately only wanted me for my mouth-game and free meals??? It's embarrassing to read those messages and see how desperate and foolish I was. But it makes for a terrific wake-up call.

Nowadays, having someone who literally cooks for me 3 or 4 times a week (and I'm talking scratch-made stuff!), has "checked" literally EVERY box on the sexual intimacy checklist (2 or 3 of which were completely absent last go-around with no inkling of an indication that they'd ever happen) and demonstrates the intent of not only keeping me around, but keeping me more than "just content", I still don't know how to react. I'm waiting for that day I wake up and it was all a dream or something. I suppose because I've been so badly let down in the last several years and I just expect failure, but this is so different, and for the first time in a very, very long time, my "gut" tells me there will be no nasty surprises. Don't get me wrong, folks. I'm not saying everything is "perfect" or without concerns (mainly with parenting styles, and maybe one or two small things), but by comparison to the last half of my marriage, and the relationship which followed, I can get "TF" over it. The perks vastly outweigh any concerns or complaints, and it's nice that it hasn't faded or mellowed. It's also nice that there is both a comfortable consistency and at the same time a never-ending possibility for keeping things "interesting".

Going back through those old messages, I could kick myself for not noticing (or for willfully overlooking) some really dangerous, obvious red-flags, and the humiliation I feel from that is sure to keep me straight the rest of my days. My advice is to (at least for a while) KEEP those messages. KEEP those handwritten notes too. KEEP those things that remind you how different the person was when things ended than he or she was in the beginning. It will humble you, most definitely, but it will also make you proud you have found your way down a new, better path. And once you are satisfied that path is "the one", you can archive those old messages, or delete them if you must, and try to put it all behind you. But NEVER forget what you learned, and NEVER let yourself trip up again like you did before. I am not proud of my mistakes, but I certainly am proud of having overcome them. And you should be proud as well, for overcoming yours.