The Light at the End of the Tunnel : When the "Good Now" Begins to Overshadow the "Bad Then"

Sorry this one is a few days late. Have had a lot going on and just now getting some breathing room.

I have spent a great deal of time on exorcising my most recent relationship collapse and using this blog as a catharsis of sorts to help overcome all of the trauma and drama from it, and I've also tried to touch on some lighter/more positive things to help balance it out a little bit. I'm going to do that again here, because relationships AREN'T "all bad". And there IS hope for something more than just heartache, abuse and stress. I promise. I'm seeing it myself now, and I feel like a completely different human being than I did 6 months ago. Again, I WAS very much in love, and at the time would've given anything for the opportunity and means to genuinely smooth things out, conquer personal demons (hers AND mine) and have that relationship to end all relationships. But it was not to be. So what about things...now?

Now a couple good solid months into the "re-connection" relationship, I'm in a completely different head-space. I never have to walk on eggshells, and that's beyond awesome. I forgot what that felt like. I LITERALLY can say whatever I need or want to say. Even in those very rare occasions I say something off-color, or bizarre, or broach uncomfortable subjects, it's met with calmness. Clarity. Even levity when needed. I don't feel like I'm not allowed to talk or ask about things, ANY things, and in fact am sternly ENCOURAGED to.  It's like night and day. As I am still sort of guarded and gun-shy because of my marriage and the subsequent failed relationship, I sometimes don't know how to process things, and am a little less willing to just go giving my heart away or let myself feel certain feelings freely, but I'm getting there.

It's difficult having such a warm and inviting atmosphere and not being able to just put the guard down and "feel" like I want, for sure. It's difficult having someone focus on making ME happy and not being able to just accept that there isn't an ulterior motive. She cooks dinner for me every time I see her. She makes killer breakfast every time I stay over. She has been attentive to almost all of my intimate preferences and proclivities (working on getting around to the "last one" now, but at least this one WILL talk about it and wants to do whatever will make me as satisfied as I leave her), and I anticipate that Valentine's Day I will be sealing the proverbial deal on that one. I can tell she holds back her feelings because she knows my wounds haven't healed and that I've been left a wary, skittish partner. But she has shown me so much patience, and has not wavered from being that level-headed, rational person I've always known her as. I'm not used to it, but it's awesome, and I hope in expressing this here in writing, in front of my own face, I will now be able to let go of that paranoia I was left with by the previous relationship, to be able to accept this as possibly "the one". The most recent ex DID have a habit, by her own admission, of guys she dated finding their "forever homes" after her. I will refrain from a few obvious comments, as most readers probably have thought about themselves after having read some of the previous blogs and being aware of all the tomfoolery.

Worth mentioning is that my new partner has also surprised my son and I with a Disney trip later in the Spring. I didn't see that coming, but very cool! Well, cool except for the disapproval of my son's mom (who originally misunderstood and thought this was someone I "just met", but that has been cleared up now and she knows I am taking things slow and steady). To clarify, lavish gifts, food and a general sense of calmness and security are not things I am used to, nor are they required, but after years of providing for a wife who didn't ultimately appreciate it, and then the now-ex-girlfriend who kinda' expected it and drained my bank account last year, this is an astounding change. I can't complain. It's nice being treated instead of being the one footing the bill all the time, and nice not having to make sure I'm meeting the necessary spending quota or worry about my bank account draining to maintain someone's affection. It's just very satisfying to only be expected to "show up" and that it enough. I am not used to it. But I definitely COULD get used to it. And WILL. I'm still a little broken. A little out of my element. But I'm getting there.

In closing, what I've learned is that you don't give up. You raise your standards when you realize your worth, and you focus on the important things. Don't be an idiot focusing on the "coolest" or most attractive qualities while overlooking the important stuff. We're all flawed as hell in our own way, and it's just a matter of getting your priorities straight and being with someone for the right reasons, and on the right terms. And the rest will come. Most importantly, once it's established, hang onto it and you're set.