The "Big 3" : The Relationship Chemistry You MUST Have to Make it Last

We try to compromise a lot to make relationships work. We have to. Because no two people are alike. No two people have exactly the same interests, habits, hobbies, viewpoints, anything. We may have certain levels of compatibility, but you'll never meet somebody exactly the same. If you do, be suspicious that you're either being stalked or that the person is not being 100% honest with you.

I'm not saying it's impossible to meet that fellow science fiction geek or sports fanatic or musician, but odds are, he or she will have something else where you guys don't necessarily meet at the same point. It could be something relatively trivial, like one of you likes the spring more while the other is more of a fan of winter. Maybe one of you like pineapple on pizza and the other one says that is absolute blasphemy. Those aren't necessarily deal-breakers. But there are some things that definitely can be a deal-breaker.

Looking back in hindsight, I knew some of these things were a big deal even when I was in my late teens and early twenties. But I think when I met my ex-wife, I was so into her and wanted to make it work so badly that I was willing to sort of put aside some things. Again, hindsight being 20/20, I shouldn't have, because the more I compromised over the years, the less she did, and I ended up getting the short end of the stick in the number of ways, and as bad as it was that she took advantage of that, it was as much my fault for letting it happen as well. So I have to share that responsibility to a certain degree. I made a similar mistake in my first serious post-divorce relationship, where I let my partner slide on the fact that we ended up not being compatible on a couple of major "make or break" topics in our relationship, and well...she's no longer my partner, so you see how that went. Not that those things are the only reason the relationship failed, but I am confident that they contributed to the collapse.

Just about every discussion or disagreement you can imagine is traversable and there is room for compromise, except for a few. For example, some people might say things like they couldn't date someone who was a vegan, or a vegan will tell you they can't see themselves dating somebody who isn't one, and they really take that stuff seriously. And that's okay, but what I'm talking about are more fundamental things that people are not likely to be able to chalk up to simple changes in lifestyle or habit. These are things that, unless we are gifted with a particularly open mind and willingness to try new things or keep ourselves open to all ideologies, are so thoroughly ingrained into our psyche and pretty much by the time we reach adulthood we are what we are, and so is any potential partner we may find. The three topics that will make or break your potential relationship are religion, politics, and sex. Unfortunately some people twist and mingle every combination of the three into one scope of ideology that has been indoctrinated for generations, but I'm going to separate them out, because I believe that a sensible, relatively intelligent sentient human being should be able to differentiate them and that all three should be pliable to a certain extent, as well as evaluated independently. And believe me when I say that two-out-of-three IS NOT ENOUGH. If any ONE of these is a barrier, it will likely remain so, forever.

First up, let's touch on religion. Religion can be a very beautiful thing, and at the same time it can be a destroyer of civilizations and cultures. It can be a pathway to a certain enlightenment, or it can be the single greatest oppressor known to mankind, depending on the powers-that-be the time. I have researched just about every known religion, and I have found all of them to have their own flaws. None of them are perfect, and I don't believe any one religion gets it right. And in fact, I think some of the more popular flavors get it wrong far more often than they get it right. Having grown up in the Bible Belt of the United States, and having dealt with people of all walks of life who practice American (so-called) "Christianity", I can say that I have the biggest problem with American Christianity because it is the most inconsistent, petty, lazy, elitist and hypocritical of all the religions. It is the only religion where believers are allowed (and encouraged) to cherry-pick and pull scripture from context to suit social and political agendas. The only religion that expects God to come to you instead of you to strive for higher enlightenment and actually DO anything instead of just talking about it. The only religion that has allowed it scripture to be bastardized, edited and rewritten by kings and governments, all while claiming that the word of God is supposedly unchanging and absolute. Tell that to the homosexual King James, who under the pressure of the church and with the desire to maintain his rule on the throne, complied to some serious renovations, and not for the best, to the already poorly translated scripture that preceded it. The mindset of the "American Christian" is not "I should try to live like Christ and treat others as He would", and instead is "Christ died for my sins so I get to just be whatever terrible dick of a person I want to be every day but Sunday". I'm not saying that all "Christians" are bad, but I am telling you that in my experience, for every "real" or "good" one, there are hundreds, and maybe THOUSANDS, of misguided, misinformed sheep who really haven't even READ their beloved, idolatrous KJV but who like to take rules made up by the CHURCH and try to impose them on everyone else. They mingle their agenda in your politics, and they perversely intrude into your bedroom. No thank you. If you are an independent thinker like myself who actually thinks OUTSIDE the four tax-exempt walls of your local doom-and-gloomery, and who has more self-respect than to step inside your goditorium megachurch with the corporate logo, you're not going to match well with someone who habitually goes to church on Sunday and ironically thinks you're less of a person because you don't. I have only known a couple people EVER who have had relative success with keeping separate spiritual beliefs and never assaulting their partner with their contrasting beliefs. If you think you can, you really need to have a serious discussion with the other person before taking the plunge. Because I speak from experience, and I can tell you that the open-minded and the indoctrinated (or "born again") do not mix well romantically. Save yourself the headache. And some advice to the pious and self-righteous, you're not going to win someone over to the faith in which you subscribe if you're a prick about it, make uninformed and bigoted comments, or simply see certain cherry-pickings as black-and-white. You're more likely to get cursed-out and sent on your merry way to terrorize the next victim. Get on the same page spiritually with your partner if you can, but if you cannot, then part ways before it gets nasty.

Next, let's hit on politics, which is arguably the simplest to deal with. Know where you stand socially, economically and "policy"-wise, and stick to it IF you're backing up these leanings with logic, actual facts and things, you know, based in REALITY. Politics these days cannot be taken lightly, and shouldn't be treated with the immature, antagonistic, obstinate ridiculousness as "professional" wrestling. And I hate to say it, but a stubborn conservative leaning far to the right is NOT going to gel with even the most centrist liberal/progressive, so don't try. This is one of those rare instances where I say, stick to your own kind. You will NEVER have a happy household, and odds are your partner will not like it if you come home wearing a certain hat, or braying some stupid slogan, or posting a bunch of falsified tabloid "news" articles" on your social media like a jackass. No person in their right mind would want that kind of association, especially a romantic relationship. So don't even try. Spare yourself the heated arguments and embarrassment. Obviously the gene pool is much larger and deeper on the left side of things, but that's not anyone else's concern. "Proud Boys" and incels can keep complaining about not getting laid (and great, because they don't need to procreate anyway, their ilk needs to meet its extinction), and eventually, things will shift positively. Till then, don't waste your time or energy trying to convert that cute guy or gal across the political aisle. They won't change, and you're both going to just end up hurt and feeling stupid.

Last, probably the biggest: sexual compatibility. No, a relationship should never be "based on" sexual compatibility, but in a healthy adult relationship, it is an important component. A relationship needs to be as satisfying sexually as it is spiritually or from the perspective of personality. And that means whether you're completely asexual and have little-to-no need for any kind of physical intimacy or if you're a nymphomaniac who needs constant sexual gratification, you need to find a partner whose own needs and desires fall within a certain proximity of your own. No exceptions. As someone who has tried to have relationships when his personal needs were not met (nor did my partners seem too awfully concerned so long as they were getting "theirs"), I can tell you that a failure to have that compatibility WILL lead to frustration, and that one partner will ALWAYS be giving more than the other. That kind of imbalance is unacceptable. It WILL lead to a feeling of being unwanted, unappreciated, unimportant and unloved. If you are someone who prefers occasional intimacy, find someone who also does not need it on a regular basis. If your thing is routine vanilla "1-2-3" sex, find a partner who enjoys the systematic mundane lovemaking you like. If you're a kinkster, instead of shaming someone for not being into your proclivities, just find yourself another kinkster and be done with it. Get my point? Because you cannot take one of those and pair that person with someone who falls under one of the other categories. It will fail. They may be 100% compatible in EVERY other sense, but if they are on a different level in that department, it's not gonna' work. And for Pete's sake, if you "aren't sure" about the compatibility, ASK. Ask ALL the questions. Ask more than you think you need to, or than you feel comfortable asking. Because again, I speak from experience when I say that there are very few things more aggravating and unsatisfying than not being on the same page sexually. If you even suspect you are not going to be able to maintain a healthy, mutually-satisfying sexual relationship, talk about it. And if you find a rift, leave the relationship. NOW. Not later. And if you are one of those people whose libidos change over time, TALK ABOUT IT with your partner before it ends in anger or infidelity.

If you are fortunate enough to find a partner who is compatible with you in all three areas, you will be content. MORE than content, actually. There are no guarantees ANY relationship is permanent, but having these things in common will make the odds greater that your relationship will succeed. Good luck out there!