Now I Ain't Sayin' She a Gold-Digger : But She Ain't Messin' With No...Responsible Single Father Tryin' to Not Go Broke

I hated quoting that hack Kanye in the title, but sometimes you've just gotta'...

Many of these blogs, as you have already realized, are a catharsis of sorts, some stemming from the years of things I endured in my marriage to a narcissist, and others involving emotional health growth or the failed attempt at a relationship in the middle of 2019. In both cases, hopefully they serve to keep others from making the same mistakes I made, and allow you to learn through my missteps instead of having to go through the same crap yourself. This is a continuation of hindsight being 20/20, in 2020, and realizing all the red flags I didn't notice in real-time. Hopefully this will keep someone else from falling prey to what I did, and will also serve to keep me on my toes moving forward.

This post will focus on a particularly aggravating facet of that relationship during the last couple months, during those times where things were already struggled (due to increased demand for "validation", her declining---or well-choreographed---mental state and the strain of her now living with her parents), and also when I realized that since I had started dating this person I was bleeding an average of around +/- $400 per month in taking her out. Yes, you read it right, FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS PER MONTH. Money that I didn't have. Well, I DID have it, having squirreled some of my tax returns away, but that money was supposed to be a safety-net, NOT to take someone out to lunch AND dinner 2 or 3 times a week AND feed them a half-dozen meals out (on TOP of other forms of entertainment) every other weekend. Another heinous lapse in judgment on my part. I should've known better. Should've guarded my finances, forced going halfsies, something. Because in almost 7 months, along with the sexual iniquities, I also was only "treated" (meaning "she paid") ONCE. Yes. ONE TIME. In today's "equal" society of "strong, independent women", one would think I'd have gotten treated or at LEAST we would have gone dutch at least a notable percentage of those dozens and dozens of times. But no. Now, I tried to keep in mind that she did not make as much money as I do (but it's not like I have a lot of disposable income myself!), and that she was a single mom (but who only had her kid 4 days and a few random evenings each month), and ultimately in another instance of incomplete information regarding her life details, I didn't know if SHE was paying some kind of child support to her ex or whatever, so I was already trying to make things easy on her. Nowadays, I wonder..."WHY"?

"She take my moneeeeeeeey...when I'm in neee-eee-heeeed..."

Thank you, Mr. Foxx. She sho' done did.

So in early September, I threw on the brakes, and I told her about the situation. I said I would need to cut back on dinners "out" and whatnot for a bit, just to make sure I had a grip on things financially, and that when she came to visit, I would make dinner instead of taking her out to restaurants so often. She would not have to lift a finger to cook OR do dishes afterwards, I would take care of everything. I know some women who would be absolutely enamored by such an attractive prospect. I make a mean spaghetti, after all. She seemed..."more or less okay"...with the idea, but obviously not thrilled. And it MIGHT be a little overly-optimistic even to say that she was "okay" with it, looking back on it now. I definitely noticed subtle attitude changes almost immediately, and they grew "less subtle" over the next few weeks, up until the breakup. I'm sure she'd deny this, but that wasn't just another coincidence, I'm sure.

Later that month, after I'd initiated the new plan to conserve funds, a friend with whom I'd confided in about the scenario and the amount of money I had been losing every month asked me if the "sex was really that good" for me to be dumping money out like that, and I furrowed my brow, thinking to myself (aloud), "you know, it really ISN'T". Much like the fact that she got to reap the benefits of my generosity with gifts and being fed whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted it, the sexual relations, too, were one-sided and very "her-centric", with me only getting the most bare-bones attention, but certain things I like/want/need being ignored and dismissed. So yeah, awesome point...what the hell WAS I so spellbound by as to go broke accommodating her so thoroughly???

Perhaps it was ultimately the years of negative programming and crushed self-esteem from my marriage that made me feel "privileged" just to be getting mostly positive attention from someone. I don't know. This was also the same person I've written about who is a convicted felon who almost killed her baby though, and I do try to keep in mind that her drastic change in attitude corresponded with both the change in spending AND my increased inquisitiveness about the crime and some of the other stories I had been told, so it COULD have possibly been compounded, but it seems like things truly started crashing and burning when I cut off the funds; it seemed like that's when the real intolerance and argumentative aggression kicked in. It's hard not to believe that impacted things, due to the timing, and that really tells you a lot about the individual. It seemed as though the temper got worse, and the fuse got shorter, almost like she was looking for a fight or something to argue about, alsways. And knowing her past of going out "with the girls" to con guys out of drinks, food and other monetary gifts (but "nothing else happened" and "no exchanges for 'favors' occurred", she swears...but yeah...right), in retrospect it could definitely fit the modus operandi of her character to be annoyed when she wasn't cashing in on the fruits of conquest.

What I walked away from the relationship with was a combination of embarrassment (at having been "got") and confidence, because I knew that going forward, I HAD to assert myself and make all my desires and needs not just a topic of discussion, but conditional terms for anyone wanting a relationship with me. I was not going to be taken advantage of again, nor would I give my all in a situation where someone else didn't. I was worth more than that. I would have a PARTNER. Not someone who one minute wanted the "independence" to do as she pleased, but when she got hungry or needed attention, suddenly I mattered and chivalry was supposed to be implemented full bore. No ma'am. No sir. No thank you. Never again. Equal means EQUAL. Not "equal when one person wants it to be".

Don't make the mistake I made of setting the precedent upfront of being the one to grab the bill every time, or the one to treat. Have that awkward discussion before the first date. And while you're at it, go ahead and have the one about the hypothetical and long-term considerations about responsibilities going forward (like, for example, how would the bills be split in a cohabitation arrangement?). Have that conversation NOW. Not when you don't have the choice. Don't take advantage of someone, and don't allow yourself to be the one being taken advantage of.

Split the bills, or split the scene. But don't be a chump. They don't appreciate it till it's gone, and even then they don't actually appreciate it. They just hate that they screwed up such a sweet arrangement. Don't "get got". Because it sucks!