Identifying Common Threads With Serial Victimhood in Sexual Assaults : Nobody's THAT "Unlucky"...LEARN From Missteps

What happens when you are deemed insensitive and indisputably in-the-wrong for trying to dig into the details of the circumstances, implications and accusations regarding what is ambiguously described as being literally a "so many I've lost count" amount of bad or less-than-desired intimate encounters which had been blanket-labeled as "assault"? In this day and age when decent stand-up guys are just as afraid as the toxic ne'er-do-wells who actually DO assault women to even so much as even approach a woman about intimacy due to not only legitimate complaints about aggressive attempts at unwanted sexual contact but also lots of frivolous ones as well, you really DO need to ask ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU CAN. And us guys on the up-and-up WOULDN'T ASK if we really didn't want to know the answers. We NEED to know the answers. We HAVE to know that we are not making improper advances, and that tonight's seemingly-consensual romp isn't going to become tomorrow's case of "buyer's remorse" or resentment. We ABSOLUTELY MUST be on the same page so we are even comfortable with being intimate. Because some of us just simply can't "perform" if we're overwhelmed with paranoia and anxiety, and we are more than aware of the need to adhere to logic over the heat-of-the-moment. Some guys I know have even sworn off dating or trying to meet women altogether, because as lonely or horny as one might be, it's just not worth it. I tend to agree with that sentiment in some ways.

And in the big picture, for guys simply wanting physical release, let's face it, a $2000 full-size lifelike fully-pose-able solid silicone sex doll made to one's perfect specifications with 3 working orifices and no emotional baggage or trauma starts looking a LOT more economical and "safe" than months of spending on entertainment, food, gifts, etc., and that one-time-cost becomes more attractive than the possibility of risking losing tens or even hundreds of times that amount in litigation in a worst-case scenario with the wrong person. I am partially kidding, of course, but honestly, from a certain point of view, it's a practical solution for the future if guys get to a point where we are all held equally damnable for the actions of the abusers and predators out there, or are prejudged and held to ridiculous standards that others were not. So first thing's first, let's try, as a society, to get a hold on that and find a way to just have relations safely and sanely. The only way to do that is---say it with me, now---COMMUNICATION.

So #HypotheticallyNotHypothetically let's say for months you sat on what limited information you were given by someone who supposedly lives with daily mental health issues because of purported assaults, but when the relationship began to feel the strain of this supposed trauma that had not been properly dealt with and possibly a little bit of immaturity on top of that, you absolutely had to step up and approach it differently. What you might have HOPED for, based on earlier discussions and compatibility, was that you could, logically and matter-of-factly, just try to help piece together some of the details of the events which purportedly rendered this person a wreck, living in an almost constant state of distrust, fear and psychological flux. Imagine even after all the bad stuff you knew (and were still discovering), and even with the lashing out and the vitriol, you still wanted desperately to try to understand, and to make things work with this person whose affection you craved, and who you thought you might want to be with for years to come, if not permanently. Love makes you do stupid stuff, after all.

What if what you got WASN'T a levelheaded conversation or the kind of responses one usually gives to someone you even actually care about, and instead, you got your head bitten off, accused of being insensitive, and told that you were completely out-of-line for not simply taking what you had been told at face-value, and leaving it at that? What if it was insinuated that YOU were the selfish one for essentially not being able to just accept your fate as being partnered with someone who wanted carte blanche to treat you however she felt based on her mood of the day, and who felt entitled (despite never having gotten ANY professional help with these issues) to get a free-pass for most, if not all, bad behavior or decisions, past or future, indefinitely (more on the "get-out-of-jail-free-card for bad behavior and decisions" in another blog)? Picture being deemed heartless for wanting to not only protect YOUR best interest (and your CHILD) but also for wanting to help her find a practical, realistic way to conquer these things instead of complacently (lazily?) using them as an excuse or for justification of being malignant and then playing the victim card. But for that to work, one must also be honest not only with their partner, and their friends or family, but with themselves as well.

You might never know exactly what you said that set this person off and permanently branded yourself an enemy. That's complicated. What I CAN tell you is to make sure and save all your texts, emails, Facebook messages and other stuff for posterity. Sometimes, as I learned, World War III will start even simply by asking "what happened?" Say you were in a relationship with a person who claimed to have (literally) "lost count" of all the alleged "assault" incidents that plagued her 24/7, and that looking back, with that proclamation you essentially were already told that you would never get a full account of even the actual numbers, approximate times or names, much less any other pertinent details. Either she was not willing to disclose the information, or she genuinely couldn't remember, and both possibilities are equally troublesome. In addition to wanting to know "what happened", envision wanting to go on in a vain attempt to ask for any clarification she was willing to give you as far as the situations/circumstances/environments, where she was mentally, whether or not she was under any kind of chemical influence, and whether or not she made any effort (through physical, verbal or even the most basic body language) to dissuade the advances, thus fully and indisputably classifying them as bona-fide incidents of "assault" only to be met with no real answer. Only partial bits and pieces, but no actual answer that made any sense, or that added up. It would be off-putting, and a little bit frightening.

Last year, when I had to have the inevitable, necessary discussion---THE TALK---with my son, the first thing I covered, before ANYTHING else, was that "no means no", and that ANY activity must be fully consensual. But with borders and grey-areas being extended farther into the black-and-white, we're almost, ironically, pushed back to the mindset of teaching abstinence instead of physical relations. And even after telling him about the importance of consent, I'm still concerned, because there have been far too many stories where someone seemingly changes their mind after the fact and decides that they were "assaulted" because they "really didn't fully want to do it" or something, and I think that's dangerous. I'm not going to lie, even after just the few fragmented stories I have heard, I was more terrified than ever for his future. The things that bothered me most about some things I have heard, and I feel have an unacknowledged common-thread are:

1. "So many I lost count" is never (I repeat NEVER) an acceptable statement about how many incidents of assault you claim to have been victim UNLESS you are talking about alleged sexual abuse WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP OVER YEARS (and NOT "so many different guys who happened to coincidentally use a similar M.O. but I let happen again and again") or unless you were living in some kind of human-trafficking prostitution ring or religious/family cult or something. Those cases, yeah, you would lose count, and it's a legit argument. But NOT a legit argument would be you saying that you just somehow conscientiously ended up in situations with different guys again and again which led to almost identical undesirable outcomes. It doesn't just "randomly happen" THAT many times to one person with countless offenders. It's like someone who gets a speeding ticket every month, eventually you have to either lighten up on your foot, or remove yourself from driving altogether if you keep finding yourself "unable" to drive safely. But the other drivers didn't make you speed. Or like the unwed mother with 5 different babydaddies who "can't figure out" why she keeps getting pregnant when all she's doing is having unprotected sex on a regular basis. When you cannot identify the common thread of how these unfortunate things occurred, especially when it MIGHT require some soul-searching on your part, it raises a red flag. Because there is NO WAY the universe hates you that bad, or that the bad guys keep getting so lucky. Maybe you should be more choosy and less casual about the people with whom you fraternize, and/or maybe you shouldn't frequent certain places or participate in certain activities that might be the common thread to all or most of your alleged incidents.

2. "I just gave in to shut them up"/"I just got guilted into it" is not a valid excuse. Especially when you can sit there and say there was no physical endangerment. You could ALWAYS stand up, walk away, done deal. If you are not chemically-impaired or physically restrained/injured, the easiest word in the English language, "no", accompanied by said standing and walking away, prevents the incident from happening. "Guilting" someone into sex isn't an "attack". "Whining" one's way into someone's pants isn't either. They don't even work to persuade normal people. Otherwise we all would've had sex-filled high school lives, and the incel "culture" wouldn't even be a thing. A knife to the throat? Most certainly a threat. A gun pointed at you? Definitely. No doubt. Chloroform or date-rape drugs? Legitimate incapacitators and there's no question about the act or the piece of garbage doing it. But "whining"? "Guilting"? No. You don't get a pass, or to say someone "assaulted" you, if you consent on the grounds of making someone simply STFU. And if that's a thinly-veiled disguise for "this person loaned me some money and I felt I owed them something" or something along those lines, that's not an excuse either, you just admitted to prostitution. Just saying. Because yes, I have read between the lines. And it's gross.

3. "I don't want to talk about it because when I do it's like I'm re-living it all over again" is not an excuse to not confront and deal with the problem. Ignoring it won't make it go away. Answer the damn questions. If it affects you so deeply, it is your responsibility to deal with it, and to get on with as normal a life as you can...for yourself, your kids, for your family, and for your partner. Deal with the pain on your terms, head-on, with proper help, and then move on. Otherwise you forfeit your ability to use it as an excuse to run from your problems and intentionally abuse people in the process.

4. When fully conscious and not under the influence of substances, you can't say "I never SAID 'no' or expressed disinterest" or "I never made ANY attempt to excuse myself from the situation" and expect anyone to take claims of assault or rape seriously. That's not how it works. NOTE: I AM NOT DEFENDING ATTACKERS IN THE SLIGHTEST (and f*ck anyone who does), but unless a conscious, sober woman is struggling, pushing you away, telling you "no" or giving you SOME---ANY--- indication of "this is not okay", how is the person going to know it's not? And how do you accuse someone who legitimately doesn't know he or she is doing something wrong? We cannot allow that and still allow people to socialize, at all. We can't have both. And we need to work on our COMMUNICATION, as a species. If you cannot communicate with people on this most basic of levels, you need to remove yourself from interacting with society, because you ARE part of the problem.

5. When someone says upfront that "if it were to happen again" (which depending on wording can seem like it was "planned" or "destined", or that you have no problem being reckless, so be mindful before you say something idiotic) they expect you to unconditionally believe any and all claims of any kind of assault, it definitely makes you wonder why they'd even bring such a thing up. Who thinks about this kind of thing in the mindset of "when the next one happens, will you believe me"??? There is something really, truly wrong with that, and someone who asks this needs to be evaluated.

6. "I can't say 100% that I would be able to say 'no' if someone 'pressured me' verbally again"...WHAT THE ACTUAL F#*K?!?!? Yes, I've heard this one. Worded almost verbatim. I'm sorry, but this is where nobody out there can sanely tell me that I am being insensitive by saying that a statement like this comes across as someone basically telling their partner that under the right (?) circumstances, they would not being able to tell someone no if they were simply verbally coerced into some sort of intimate activity, and that they expect you to overlook it as part of some self-diagnosed mental issue and accept it, forgiving them unconditionally. This, to a logical, fairly stable and level-headed person, sounds like some sort of disclaimer that the person "might not be able to not cheat" and that requires the recipient to issue a permanent get-out-of-jail-free card for inevitable infidelity. No thank you. Hard pass. Of all the things I personally had heard, this one was the most offensive to me, for obvious reasons, and I really should've cut ties the second such a ridiculous statement was issued.

In those items mentioned, someone with either no self-control or simply someone with a self-destructive side makes us second-guess real assault victims. Like the so-called "Christians" who negatively judge someone else's personal belief system because it doesn't fall in line with their particular flavor of religion, serial victims (that might not actually BE "victims") fail to see their own missteps and lack of judgement, or they use it as a means to have their cake and eat it too, and it's absolutely wrong for them to hold everyone and everything else accountable while giving themselves a free-pass to continue their cycle or repeat mistakes over and over again.

Stressing once more that ASSAULT AND RAPE ARE BAD, AS ARE THE PEOPLE WHO COMMIT THEM, but also let's stop with the ever-widening grey-area that "might be" those things. Because anyone, if creative enough, can find SOME way to make ANYTHING, from a wink in the fast food drive-thru, to helping an old lady up after she fell down, to hugging a coworker, as seeming to be"inappropriate". We should NEVER VICTIM-SHAME, but let's also make sure we're NOT ENABLING SERIAL-"VICTIMS" or vilifying the wrong people at the same time. There are FAR too many cases of legitimate, damnable assault out there for someone to go crying wolf, or worse, intentionally deceiving people into sympathy. Be honest with yourself, and others. Be willing to give ALL the details, no matter how painful. Be sure what you're about to tell someone regarding alleged assault is factual. Be sure you aren't making anything up or even exaggerating. And be sure that you are ready to commit to dealing with your trauma proactively and responsibly. That's going to mean not only being truthful about what people did or did not do to you, but also what you may have done that you shouldn't, or acknowledging some bad decisions and judgment which could've, and should've, prevented recurring "incidents".

If we don't get a grip on the appropriation of things of this nature, we'll regress as a species back to arranged marriages, and eventually "relationships" will devolve to being strictly utilitarian. No one asks to be a true "victim", but we all must take every precaution and measure to ensure we don't become repeat-victims. Because if we TRULY keep falling prey to different people in the same way, it's not them. It's US.