Unmixing the Signals : Reconnecting With One That Got Away
As mentioned in another blog, before the failed relationship I entered into which ended just a couple months ago, I'd previously gone out a few times with and had gotten to know a gal from California who I'd felt a good connection with but couldn't escape from this feeling that something was blocking her from expressing affection or intimacy, and I had gotten some "mixed signals" that led to a petering-out of the potential relationship within a couple months, and that was, largely, it. Done. I always felt in the back of my mind that maybe I should've just been more blunt and assertive, and should've really tried to get to the bottom of things, because admittedly I was still very much out of practice "reading" signals. After all, I had been with the same woman for 22 years of my life, and the last decade of that there were only three signals:
1. She's already asleep, so she must be pissed at me.
2. She's too happy, so she must be drunk.
3. She's not at home, so she's either cavorting with her toxic coworker talking trash about husbands or messing around with one of those guys she's screwing behind my back, in hindsight.
Then after my relationship for these past few months ended, I found myself again hurt, neglected, devalued and discarded by yet another covert narcissist who was too proud and untruthful to own her mistakes or be held accountable for her actions (stopping just short of calling obvious mistakes such). I got played, like a chump. But unlike the ending of my marriage, this time I was able to leave that damage with the one who robbed me of those months, all that energy, money and those former feelings. She can keep those things, and add them to her "résumé". She can tell the next guy who falls for the ruse how "bad" I was, how her "needs" (ironically) weren't being met and he can hear all those fabricated stories of woe and hurt that never added up, and when he vacates, she can repeat her cycle all over again as she has done more times than she even can remember, by her own admission. It took a few therapy sessions to fully grasp it, but she's not my concern, or my responsibility, or my hindrance, anymore. I don't have to quash my feelings, or my baggage, to make increasingly-more-and-more room for someone else's. I get to feel things too.
So having to understand flirting, the importance of establishing boundaries learned from the marriage and subsequent relationship, the etiquette when it comes to all the "firsts", what things to prioritize when looking for that new partner, how to handle eventually introducing the new partner to my kid, well...it was again new, because I couldn't trust any of the events, feelings or circumstances that fooled me and betrayed me for the past several months, and I could not use them as a measuring stick going forward because it was all a lie. A joke. But alright, then. Let's figure this out. How to start anew without doing that which was done to me: punishing someone else for another's mistakes?
First came the apology. The apology for not being more direct when it came to some things. And for just dropping of the face of the earth when I didn't know where I stood on some things. It was hard to admit I was such an ass, but it was a weight off my chest. She was very understanding, and praised me for the self-improvement I went through, taking responsibility for my mental health/anxiety/depression/PTSD. After months (compounded by the previous YEARS) of not being "allowed" to have MY feelings or address MY issues and walking on eggshells so I don't steal someone else's thunder, this was a breath of fresh air.
Next came the clarifications. Most of the questions that needed to be asked were asked, on both sides. We were both objective and transparent, and the re-connection was fast and solid. It was comforting, because I had taken a no-nonsense approach and did not have to worry whether this might be a put-on like the last relationship. Being brutally honest and not allowing myself to hesitate to get things on the table worked well. And it felt...safe. It was nice dealing with someone who didn't have a bunch of untreated/ignored emotional health issues, who had their act together, and didn't feel entitled to having things on their terms exclusively.
Then came meeting up again, and it was almost like no time had passed, except now she had moved to a nice brand new house instead of the apartment she'd lived in when we first met, and there was a more affectionate air about her from the moment we greeted one another again. It was...nice.
Finally things were no longer aimless and strained. So what does it mean? Who knows? All I can say is how it feels. No pressure. No unreasonable expectations or demands. No convoluted, nonsensical drama backstories blaming the world for bad personal decisions or lack of self-control. No more selective morality or cherry-picked political-correctness. I didn't have to deal with someone moving the goalposts or chastising me for simply needing reciprocal support.
What's to come? Hell if I know. Whether this is the start of something serious eventually, or just a friendship with "more", I'm good with it. I'm not even sure I'd WANT a "relationship" anyway, until I could be sure my partner was mature enough to actually identify, establish and most importantly, MAINTAIN a real relationship. In fact, I might be quite content just having someone I see when I want, on MY terms, and without the possibility of having my heart (and wallet) abused by some opportunistic parasite. I've established independence where I needed it, and have the companionship when I feel I want it. And you know what? That might just be more than adequate, after all the nonsense I've been through. It isn't how I saw things panning out, but with each passing day I'm liking it more and more. I'm at peace.
1. She's already asleep, so she must be pissed at me.
2. She's too happy, so she must be drunk.
3. She's not at home, so she's either cavorting with her toxic coworker talking trash about husbands or messing around with one of those guys she's screwing behind my back, in hindsight.
Then after my relationship for these past few months ended, I found myself again hurt, neglected, devalued and discarded by yet another covert narcissist who was too proud and untruthful to own her mistakes or be held accountable for her actions (stopping just short of calling obvious mistakes such). I got played, like a chump. But unlike the ending of my marriage, this time I was able to leave that damage with the one who robbed me of those months, all that energy, money and those former feelings. She can keep those things, and add them to her "résumé". She can tell the next guy who falls for the ruse how "bad" I was, how her "needs" (ironically) weren't being met and he can hear all those fabricated stories of woe and hurt that never added up, and when he vacates, she can repeat her cycle all over again as she has done more times than she even can remember, by her own admission. It took a few therapy sessions to fully grasp it, but she's not my concern, or my responsibility, or my hindrance, anymore. I don't have to quash my feelings, or my baggage, to make increasingly-more-and-more room for someone else's. I get to feel things too.
So having to understand flirting, the importance of establishing boundaries learned from the marriage and subsequent relationship, the etiquette when it comes to all the "firsts", what things to prioritize when looking for that new partner, how to handle eventually introducing the new partner to my kid, well...it was again new, because I couldn't trust any of the events, feelings or circumstances that fooled me and betrayed me for the past several months, and I could not use them as a measuring stick going forward because it was all a lie. A joke. But alright, then. Let's figure this out. How to start anew without doing that which was done to me: punishing someone else for another's mistakes?
First came the apology. The apology for not being more direct when it came to some things. And for just dropping of the face of the earth when I didn't know where I stood on some things. It was hard to admit I was such an ass, but it was a weight off my chest. She was very understanding, and praised me for the self-improvement I went through, taking responsibility for my mental health/anxiety/depression/PTSD. After months (compounded by the previous YEARS) of not being "allowed" to have MY feelings or address MY issues and walking on eggshells so I don't steal someone else's thunder, this was a breath of fresh air.
Next came the clarifications. Most of the questions that needed to be asked were asked, on both sides. We were both objective and transparent, and the re-connection was fast and solid. It was comforting, because I had taken a no-nonsense approach and did not have to worry whether this might be a put-on like the last relationship. Being brutally honest and not allowing myself to hesitate to get things on the table worked well. And it felt...safe. It was nice dealing with someone who didn't have a bunch of untreated/ignored emotional health issues, who had their act together, and didn't feel entitled to having things on their terms exclusively.
Then came meeting up again, and it was almost like no time had passed, except now she had moved to a nice brand new house instead of the apartment she'd lived in when we first met, and there was a more affectionate air about her from the moment we greeted one another again. It was...nice.
Finally things were no longer aimless and strained. So what does it mean? Who knows? All I can say is how it feels. No pressure. No unreasonable expectations or demands. No convoluted, nonsensical drama backstories blaming the world for bad personal decisions or lack of self-control. No more selective morality or cherry-picked political-correctness. I didn't have to deal with someone moving the goalposts or chastising me for simply needing reciprocal support.
What's to come? Hell if I know. Whether this is the start of something serious eventually, or just a friendship with "more", I'm good with it. I'm not even sure I'd WANT a "relationship" anyway, until I could be sure my partner was mature enough to actually identify, establish and most importantly, MAINTAIN a real relationship. In fact, I might be quite content just having someone I see when I want, on MY terms, and without the possibility of having my heart (and wallet) abused by some opportunistic parasite. I've established independence where I needed it, and have the companionship when I feel I want it. And you know what? That might just be more than adequate, after all the nonsense I've been through. It isn't how I saw things panning out, but with each passing day I'm liking it more and more. I'm at peace.
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