PTSD'd Out : When Is It "Too Much Baggage"?

If you are an adult over the age of 30, there is a strong likelihood that you have been in at least one reasonably long-term relationship. And statistically, more than half of you also have been in a toxic relationship of some form as well. Sometimes the baggage from those relationships can be fairly common stuff (some mild quirks or personality clashes, lifestyle complications and whatnot), but all too often the toxicity can reach abusive or neglectful levels; physical and emotional abuse, infidelity, being partnered with a narcissist, etc. With the former, we can kind of write it off as just not a good fit, but with the latter, it can lead to actual instances of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), or "Complex" Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). Much like the soldier who returns from war a different person, hypersensitive to certain noises or situations, or with a self-defeating and twisted view of everything and everyone, someone coming out of an unhealthy relationship can also find him or herself battling serious fears, insecurities, trust issues and struggling to find value in himself or herself thanks to the mistreatment endured. It takes a special person to be able to help someone who has experienced relationship PTSD adjust to a "normal" relationship, and often two PTSD sufferers can bond in ways most "outsiders" cannot, and they know how to treat their partners with the respect, appreciation and care most people did not realize would be necessary. But there is ALSO a possibility that two PTSD sufferers can allow themselves to develop inefficient, stunted or destructive coping skills and be too stubborn to break the cycle, causing them to actually BECOME abusers (one theory that explains this is Karpman's Triangle). I think it's healthy AND responsible to realize when you have been through a traumatic relationship and you actually do something about it. For yourself, for your children, for your future partner. But the key point here is that you HAVE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. It will not go away on its own, and you have a responsibility not to hurt someone else due to your own negligence to tend to your own issues. And let's face it, sometimes there is too much "broken", and you might not need to even be getting into relationships at all.

In the short time I have dated since my divorce, I have had the experience of seeing a lot of different types of damage which have scarred and permanently affected people. A few examples of which are...

One woman I talked to (a college professor) overcompensated her insecurities by taking her intellectual superiority and feminism to the next level, and while I respected her for the brilliant mind and strong character she possessed, she never would turn "it" off and actually give things a real chance. Between that and not being able to be in her house for lengthy periods of time due to my allergies and her cats ruling over the entire home, I couldn't continue to put myself through the emotional and physical effects of trying to make that work. I really tried to like her, but I felt like it would end up being a constant struggle for both of us, and I had to pass. That and she had a bunch of cats, and with my allergies, that just wasn't a good fit all around.

Another girl I talked to was nice enough, very forward-thinking, local (literally lived a couple minutes away) and I really thought there was a chance but something in her past which she never told me about kept her from having any kind of physical affection or intimacy aside from holding hands and a peck on the lips. As a healthy, reasonably normal adult male, I definitely have needs, both of the physical and emotional kind, and unfortunately there was no indication in sight that there will never be any kind of fulfillment of those needs with her, so I had to end it. Intimacy isn't "everything", but it IS a very crucial part of a healthy relationship, and especially if you aren't going to at least TRY to communicate some of your issues, it makes a guy wonder what he's doing wrong. I have actually considered reaching back out to her to find out what her deal was, because we definitely had a good connection in many ways. Maybe I was just missing signals or something, I don't know.

Then there was the one with the irrational, crippling fear of bridges and overpasses who also would have mercurial temper shifts during any kind of disagreement, who at the same time emphasized wanting to have her own child, and wanting to be exposed to my child, neither of which I felt comfortable with, and had to end that as well. I cannot and will not have someone mentally unstable around my son and I certainly did not want to even consider bringing a child into this world with someone I considered to be grossly unfit to be a parent. That was enough for me, and I didn't even have to mention the part about her having absolutely zero trust in any other human being, causing her to be constantly suspicious and insecure about every aspect of the relationship. It's very difficult living with someone knowing deep down they probably will never trust you. I already went through that, I'm not going through that again.

Next came the single mother 10 years my junior who (allegedly) has been physically and emotionally abused in various ways. She (who I've previously mentioned in another blog) also has a very dark and very public criminal history (abandoning a newborn in a toilet) that unfortunately will have some effect on her life forever. She is the one out of the bunch who claimed to have gone through therapy of some sort on her own (but recanted later, citing she only went to therapy for "part of" her abuse, but not "the rest of the stuff"...WTF???), and seemed largely to be in reasonable control over most of those negative things that could otherwise rule her life, initially. But that was a ruse. Over the course of a few months there would be outbursts from tantrums, and I would constantly find myself being punished for previous people's mistakes, and her own stubbornness to not change her self-destructive mindset, thus remaining in the same fail-cycle she has spent her entire adult life repeating. Quite frankly, she needed FAR more "validation" than I understand or could ever give. She is one of those people who, as I mentioned in my previous blog, I found would require more and more validation and attention on an ever-increasing scale, and it was exhausting. Too much to deal with when you're also talking about someone who wasn't to be bothered with my personal sexual needs/desires or even RECIPROCATION in the matter. Too much to deal with when the person literally bleeds you of hundreds of dollars a month to feed her the food she wants, buy her things and pay for "fun things to do" to keep her entertained. I can deal with a little "borderline", so long as it was compensated for in other areas of the relationship. But that wasn't the case here, I'm afraid. So when the relationship ended, I have to say I quickly realized it was a blessing in disguise. And judging by what supposedly happened to the last few guys she dated, I'll soon meet my soulmate and will move forward happier than ever, in a relationship that is mutually healthy and rewarding.

Simply put, I recognize that have relationship PTSD. I deal with problems on a daily basis. I was neglected (both physically AND emotionally) for a decade, all the while my ex was cheating on me, lying to me, and creating this alternate-reality with her fellow-narcissist cheer-squad of "you-go"-girls which painted me in a completely unflattering and unrealistic light. I had to do something about it if I ever wanted to have a reasonably-"normal" relationship. And I realize people don't want to hear something is wrong with them, that they need to get help, or change the way they deal with their issues. But as much as the truth stings, sometimes you really need to listen to the person who has admitted his own failures and flaws, who has gotten help for his issues, when he says "hey, I recognize these issues, and I am here for moral support, but you need to tackle these things". It's NOT an insult. It's NOT being a "nag". It's NOT being "insensitive". It's about accountability, and being on the same page with someone enough to recognize problems but not afraid to stick it out with you through healing. 

If you have a similar issue, it's up to you to do something about it. If you're fortunate enough to have a partner who is willing to go through the healing with you, DON'T push him or her away. They're not always going to say things "the way you want them said" or using "the words you want them to use". But they're there. They'd tell you to go to hell if they weren't willing to be a part of your life. If they think you're worth it, hang onto them, and appreciate them. And for Christ's sake, LET THEM HELP YOU. Open your mind, come out of that cycle that has failed you time and time again, get out of that counterproductive comfort-zone, LISTEN to them and THINK about their suggestions (especially if they too have battled the same anxiety, depression and trauma as you). If you don't, you will regret it. If you push them away, you will miss the opportunity. If you throw a tantrum and put your nose in the air, you cannot (at least, not HONESTLY) tell the story of them failing you, because YOU failed them, AND yourself. Don't forget to include what YOU did to them when you're telling your homeboys/homegirls what your ex did to you.

There IS such a thing as having "too much baggage". But you need to recognize that it might not be your "past baggage" that is screwing things up in your life. It might be the "present baggage" that you're actively creating, clinging to and sabotaging yourself with.