Girls Night Out: When Healthy Space Becomes a Disturbing Double-Standard

An article on Modern Man I read while researching my personal insecurities stated, "if you’re asking, 'Should I be worried that my girlfriend wants to have a girls night out?' you need to understand that the answer is not a simple 'yes' or 'no.'

Every relationship is different, and every woman is different.

Women today are a lot more confident and independent than ever before, and they don’t have to live their lives based on what their man will 'allow' them to do.

The modern woman isn’t dependent on a man to protect her, provide for her or entertain her, which means she can choose to do whatever she wants, like have interests, hobbies and even the occasional girls night out, without having to ask her man for permission or approval.

That being said, when a woman is in a loving relationship with a guy, she will naturally take his feelings into consideration before she does something without him. She will generally prefer to spend most of her time with him and doing things together. However, that’s not to say that she’ll want to live in his pocket either.

In a relationship it’s normal and healthy for each person to have their own interests, hobbies and friends.

So, should you be concerned if your girlfriend wants to have a girls night out?

It depends…'

Yes. Yes it does.

After 21 years with the same woman, by the end of 2018 I found myself single again after emotionally "losing" my wife and then finding out that her infidelity over the past several years was not limited to the "emotional" kind. I still have days I wish things could've been different, or that I could've changed something to not lose the life I had grown accustomed to and appreciative of. And some days I really still miss coming home to my family, very much. But while the scars are still sensitive, the gaping wounds are largely granulating and well under way to healing. A little therapy and a lot of rediscovery of self-worth prepared me for the idea of dating again. Problem is, with "dating", or any new relationship, you're starting completely over from scratch. That CAN be a good thing, but on the same token, it also means having to trudge through the PTSD of your past relationship, build trust with (and blindly give it to) this entirely new person, deal with the struggle of learning a whole new person/personality (emotionally, intellectually and sexually), and then the commitment of making it "legit". What happens though, when you see possibly similar situations and circumstances unfold with your new girlfriend that happened with your now-ex-wife? It gets sticky really quick.

Here's my predicament, and something that I am really fighting my natural post-trauma anxiety not to let ruin a potentially awesome relationship. I met this remarkable woman last year during a podcast recording, and while we didn't keep in touch throughout the year, I remembered her well, and evidently she remembered me also. She was funny, smart, tall, great body, gorgeous eyes and a warm smile, ten years my junior. Totally out of my league, or so I thought. We "re-met" at the end of my divorce on another podcast recording, semi-jokingly we exchanged some flirty comments, and I insisted that "hey, you could do worse". Who would've thought that the next day she would friend me on Facebook and we'd start talking? And talk, we did. I'm sure both of us knew things about one another from that first week that others never have, and there was an obvious, deep, uncanny connection. She may not have my passion for Star Wars and music, and I might not necessarily share her love of roller-derby and thick crust on a pizza, but overall, it was nice to meet someone who was stimulating to talk to and who I felt understood some of the emotional baggage I brought to the relationship, as she had plenty of her own as well. A mutual respect and appreciation of those things helped us grow close very quick. Aside from a little clashing with our different spiritual beliefs and maybe one or two intimate discussions, most everything else leaves little to complain about, and I have felt most fortunate to have her come into my life. 

Except when I hear that there's a "girls' night out" planned. Then my world goes to Hell and I immediately wonder if I am ready for the hassle of it all. No, I am, and I really have grown to love this gal, I'm just frustrated. Before you bite my head off, let me argue my case and explain a few things, because not only did my ex have her fair share of "outings" that were not what I was led to believe, but also, I know "the nature of men". I AM one. I'm kind of an expert. I know my new girlfriend is not my ex, and I haven't really been given any reason not to believe that she would never betray my trust, but there is a principle that, as a mature adult, I have come to believe in. And when I know my new love has a history of enjoying the generosity of single men at the club vying for her attention, it triggered my PTSD a little, as well as the fear of placing my heart at the mercy of another's trustworthiness for the first time in a good long while. Scary stuff for an anxiety sufferer.

See, I really don't feel the need to do "boys' night out", because most of my friends are married adults with families, or are single and do what single guys do (i.e. hit the clubs looking for easy "entertainment"), and I've never been one to go skulking the bars for a potential hook-up. That's not to say I don't feel like someone should hang out with their friends regularly or get a little silly sometimes (even though I personally like "hanging" in small, infrequent doses), but in all seriousness, does that HAVE to mean going to a bar/club, being leered at by strange men, or even worse, having them buy you drinks or try to hang/dance/hookup with you? Or EVEN WORSE THAN THAT, putting yourself in a position where you might be chemically-impaired and could end up harmed? Why can't that mean a board-game night? Or maybe a movie night? A wine-and-painting night again, perhaps? Or hey, drink as much as you want AT HOME with your girls???

I ask this because it doesn't make sense (to me) for an attached female to go "mingle with the singles" when she has a loyal, respectful and caring man who she could be spending that time with. I get it, some people "like to be around other people", and that's fine. But here's the question any woman in a committed relationship really needs to ask before that girls' night out: IF I WAS YOUR MAN, WHAT IF A WOMAN WAS BUYING ME DRINKS? Or more importantly, WHAT IF I WAS THE GUY BUYING THE DRINKS FOR SOME OTHER WOMAN? Now, REALLY sit down and reconsider this shoe-on-the-other-foot scenario...

How would my significant other who is so casual and aloof about girls' nights out and letting dudes hit on them and buy them drinks feel if I went out, either solo or with friends, and decided to spend my hard-earned cash on some random strange woman or multiple women buying them drinks for conversation, temporary companionship or to simply stroke my ego? Your honest feelings about that scenario should give you a clear idea how you should proceed in the future, or what you should consider before chewing a guy out for not being comfortable with the idea of his lady getting all dolled-up and letting strange men buy them drinks, potentially giving the impression that she might be "available" or at the very least "ambiguously amenable". My guess is you probably wouldn't like the idea of your man spending money on another woman, because as "innocent" as you'd like your man to think it is when a guy buys you a drink and you talk or "hang" with him, a drink is never "just a drink". NEVER. Don't insult your man's intelligence and intimate knowledge of his own kind by trying to convince him that some dude, in a bar, buying you a drink isn't trying to "push up". He's not a do-gooder trying to make sure you aren't dehydrating, he's looking for an "entry point" (figuratively AND literally), to learn about your interests, how serious you are if you're in a relationship, to try to flatter you and ultimately to get your number or social media connection at the very least (and FYI: it's "not okay" to let a guy you met at the club connect with you on social media or give/receive phone numbers, because it gives the impression that you are "open to other options"). Guys know you're most likely to pay attention to them if they come armed with an irresistible beverage to aid you in your fun. It's actually misleading to accept his gift anyway, because if you accept the drink, whether you agree with the philosophy or not, you are also accepting an invitation for potential inappropriate fraternization at the very least, and you need to ask how you'd feel if your man was this guy, and was doing this in your absence.The fact that right now, as you read this, you feel a little bit of discomfort at the thought of your partner being generous and appreciative/affectionat towards another woman tells you that maybe there is something you need to think about.

So let's call it like it is: If your man has expressed he feels uncomfortable with you accepting drinks or "meeting" new guys, then you just put a paltry price tag on disrespecting your commitment with your man, and your guy is not likely to be happy that you are willing to disrespect his feelings for a watered-down mixed drink at some sleazy nightclub bought by some guy who would've been buying some other random girl a drink if you weren't there that night (and he probably makes a hobby out of said activity, while we're being honest). Sure, you could lie and never tell your man you took the drink, and shame on you if you can do so with no conscience. But the right thing to do, the loyal thing, the loving thing and the most respectful thing you can do, is to politely decline, buy your own drink, keep your "girls' night" strictly about hanging with your girls and not other guys, and be thankful for that guy you get to go home to who's not out there playing the field when you're not around.

 If you really insist on "not being rude", you can always be honest if offered a drink and politely tell the person that you don't think your boyfriend/fiance/husband would like it; the advantage to this is that if the guy is really a scuzzy douche and fires back with something along the lines of "well, he isn't here, and I won't tell if you won't", then there's your easy out. Because, honestly, ask yourself how hurt you'd be if your SO said something along those lines when offering to buy another woman a drink, whether about her man not being present, or you not being around. Feels kinda' skeevy, doesn't it? Now on the other hand, such a response also might seem at first glance that you're shifting it over to your "controlling boyfriend" making the decision, but what it really comes down to is not about control or even trust, it's about respect. You respect your SO's feelings, and that is why the answer is perfectly acceptable, and not a transference of power at all. If anything, it proves how STRONG you are, to denounce the norm and instead honor your partner's perspective.

But I'll offer a compromise, if you just feel like you absolutely cannot live without your alcoholic beverage and don't want to spend your own money, but want to keep your loyalty and priorities in check: accept the drink, nod a silent "thank you" and walk away. You do not need nor are you required to engage the individual in ANY conversation. There are "calculated risks" when a guy is trying to pull a hook-up, and losing a few bucks over a drink that did not work as intended is one of them. If you're already willing to lower yourself to accepting alcohol from a stranger to satisfy your craving, then it's really not any worse to blow off the buyer as soon as the glass is in your hand. Remember that you can't claim to be someone who respects your partner, or yourself, on a deeper level if you can be impressed into a conversation with an alcoholic beverage. It isn't being "empowered" or "independent", it's being opportunistic and shady.

And of course, if your guy's disapproval of such behavior is ultimately a deal-breaker for you, the absolute most simple and effective thing to do is to just end the relationship before breaking his heart or disrespecting him irreparably. It's the best course of action, even if it does kind of prove that it indeed IS just a double-standard, but if that is the case, good riddance.

As an article I read also stated, "Rather than sit around saying, 'My girlfriend wants to have a girls night out,' and letting it bother you, you need to get clear on what things you and your girlfriend can go to together and alone and why.

Unless there’s a good reason why you don’t trust her, in which case you should ask yourself, 'Why am I still dating a woman that I don’t trust?' you should give your girlfriend your trust and let her enjoy herself with her girlfriends once in a while.

Not only will this make her respect and love you more, she’ll also feel lucky to have you as her boyfriend."

Fairly early into our relationship, I voiced my issues with the girls' night out concept, and I feel I was clear and that she understood and wouldn't do anything to make my anxiety worse or to betray my trust. With a girls' night out scheduled for this upcoming weekend, while I am trudging away playing in a cover-band for a few extra bucks during the time she'll be living it up with the girlfriends, my anxiety is at a high and I am not sure how I am going to deal with it. I still don't know if they're planning something private or if they'll be hitting downtown to drink and dance. I am not sure I WANT to know. But by the time I'm packing my gear into the car after my gig I'm certain I'll know all I need to, about not only that night, but the days to come. That is terrifying but something I must face, and will either confirm she is the one, or confirm my fears are justified and will save me from future pain. 

***UPDATE (7/1/19): 

So girls' night out came and went, and I was pleasantly surprised (mostly) by the outcome overall. No, I am not 100% comfortable with my partner hitting the club with single girlfriends in general, and won't be for the foreseeable future, but I definitely have made leaps and bounds towards my personal growth away from the crippling effects of PTSD and my relationship anxiety.

I showed absolutely no qualms about it all week, she had no idea that I even had any concerns still, and even the day of, she asked my opinion about what to wear, and I replied that I didn't know exactly what they had planned, but she should wear whatever she feels most comfortable wearing, and I left it at that (despite some inner discomfort at the too-short-shorts or the flirty short dress being the "options"). I did not brood or give any kind of indication then I was upset or anxious, and in fact was pretty damn friendly and supportive, even though it was very hard and I might have felt a little ridiculous. When we parted ways, I just told her to let me know how she was doing later and let her go on her way.

This is the part where I will admit that during one of my breaks between sets I happened to notice the time and got a little anxious because I had not heard from her yet and it was almost 10. But I kept my cool and resisted the temptation to check up on her because I know that's what previous people have done to her and, this is going to sound bad, but I decided that even though I felt kind of like my preferences or feelings or anxiety was taking a backseat so she can have her fun, I was going to take the high road and make sure I did not trigger any reactions by reminding of her past experiences. Where I might not have been quite as responsible was when I decided to get thoroughly inebriated to numb myself from the feelings I was experiencing. Let's just say I overdid it a little bit (understatement) and she would ultimately not be too happy with me about that, but I will explain that later.

So she notified me after 11 that they were still hanging out, and then a little after 12 she said she was on her way to meet me, at which time I was packing my car from my performance. I probably should have had her meet me at home later instead of at the pub I was playing, but it is what it is. So she got to see me in a state that I'm a little embarrassed to admit I let myself get into. It was obvious she was not pleased with me when we got home, and she promptly found her way to sleep while I was getting a shower, so I knew something was really wrong. Even if she did ultimately snuggle up to me a little after I got in the bed, I knew all was not "right".

We talked a little bit about it the following day, and most of her feelings at the moment were were concern more than being upset with me or angry, so I felt I had no choice but to explain to her how badly I had been struggling with the idea of her doing the girls' night out. The biggest problem she had with my confession was the fact that she felt like I should have been more forward about there still being a problem after she had made some efforts to try to prove her loyalty and commitment to me, some of which I honestly had not really thought about consciously. For example, she rarely put on a lot of makeup and did not dress provocatively unless she was around me or I was going to be seeing her that day, she didn't go out as much as she used to and definitely not alone, and she described some of her behavior how she would have dealt with aggressive single guys at the bar. Granted, that still didn't take last bit out of the equation, but it was nice to know that, according to her, it was an effort being made, and it helped. Of course she kind of felt like we weren't on the same page this whole time and I had to clarify that the only thing that gave me the motivation, incentive and strength to do what I did and be so cool about it was the fact that she had already made such a good impression on me. No, I was not happy about the circumstances, but six months ago I might have been that douchebag boyfriend blowing up her phone every hour on the hour and wanting all the details, or throwing a tantrum to keep her from going out at all. So she has helped me grow more than she realized.

Thankfully by the end of the conversation all was well and I feel like she could appreciate my standpoint by kind of looking at it from her own perspective about some things that she might have her own hang-ups about, and certain behaviors that she would consider red flags or danger signs. 

So all appears to be well, for now, and I'm hoping we have reached a new level over that little hurdle, and I'm still in the back of my mind hoping these nights out with the girls will be few and far between, but we'll see how I handle the next one.